By Jeremy Clarkson

▪️Donald Trump has laid out his foreign policy goals, and they are rather bold. Some might even say outrageous. He wants to annex Canada, take control of Greenland, seize the Panama Canal, and rename the Moon “Amerimoon.”

▪️Naturally, this hasn’t gone down well with those who think politicians should be like John Major. They say this is further evidence that Trump has lost his mind and that geography isn’t something to joke about.

▪️But if you stop and think for a moment, the world’s borders have never really been set in stone.

▪️Let’s go back to the 12th century when Mongolia was divided into a patchwork of tribal fiefdoms. Fine. But then along came a young man named Genghis Khan, who decided his fiefdom should be a bit bigger than four square miles. So, using bows, arrows, and horse-drawn telegrams, he expanded it until one day it stretched from the Yellow Sea in the east to the Danube in the west.

▪️Rewind a bit further, and you’ll find that the Roman Republic was a small camp on the banks of the Tiber in the part of the country we now call Italy. But that didn’t last long. Within a few hundred years, the Romans were hunting down baby Jesus in the east, fighting Scots in the north, and controlling much of North Africa.

▪️If you had grown up during the Roman Empire, you would have looked at a map of the world and thought: “Well, that’s it. That’s how the world works, and obviously how it’s supposed to work.” But then it wasn’t. And now nobody minds.

▪️By the mid-20th century, we really thought we had it all sorted. All the lines were drawn, and everyone was happy. Even if some of the lines that created the state of Jordan were drawn around Winston Churchill’s whisky glass, which was resting on the map at the time.

▪️Today, though, people all over the world are anything but happy. Syrians think Israel should be in Wales. Argentinians believe Britain ends at Land’s End, not Port Stanley. Russians say Ukraine belongs to them. Starmer is handing Diego Garcia to Mauritius. Northern Ireland is a touchy subject. Don’t even get started on Svalbard — it’ll stay Norwegian until someone finds lithium there, after which it’ll somehow become French.

▪️I could go on. And I will. The Chinese believe the Spratly Islands belong to them, while everyone else says they don’t. The same applies to Taiwan. Egypt, Sudan, and Ethiopia have no idea where they start and end. Morocco doesn’t want Western Sahara but can’t find anyone else who does. Nobody knows who owns the islands in the Congo River, and Georgia’s border with Russia moves in the night when no one’s looking.

▪️Today, we look at the world’s political map and think everything is stable and permanent. But it’s not. So why are we surprised that Donald Trump believes Greenland should become the 52nd state after he’s made Canada the 51st?

▪️The Danes, who currently own Greenland, may grumble about losing it, but it costs them £430 million a year in subsidies, and all they get in return is 60 crabs and a couple of bags of animal fur.

▪️So, in calm reflection, they’d probably be delighted to see it go. Much like a man who might cry if his overly demanding wife leaves him for someone else but is secretly elated inside.

▪️The locals also say they’re not for sale. Much like in the film Local Hero, where the villagers didn’t want to sell their hamlet to an American oil company. But when Mr. and Mrs. Inuit are asked to choose between a Rolls-Royce or a Maserati to haul winter sheep and crates of mackerel, I suspect they’ll quickly change their minds.

▪️If you step back and squint, Greenland makes sense for America. It’s strategically important and will become even more so when Donald’s plans to burn more oil make the Northwest Passage viable.

▪️Plus, it’s full of minerals the locals or Denmark can’t afford to extract.

▪️And let’s be realistic: if America doesn’t move, Mr. Xi will be there in no time. With America in charge, Inuit throat singing will also reach the global audience it so richly deserves.

▪️So, I think Trump should be allowed to make the Danes – and the locals – an offer. And for their sake, and the sake of the world, it would be wise to accept it.

▪️But I’m less clear on his plans for the Panama Canal. He argues that America built it, so it belongs to them. I’m not sure that argument holds, though, because in that case, the Suez Canal would belong to the French, Mumbai’s railway station would be British, Hadrian’s Wall would belong to the Italians, and Stonehenge would belong to the Druids.

▪️Nations can’t claim that just because they built something in another country, it belongs to them. Though it’d be amusing for the Cylons from the Andromeda galaxy to send Egypt a rent bill for the pyramids.

▪️But offering to make a peaceful business deal is another matter entirely. Maybe if Putin had offered to buy eastern Ukraine rather than invade it, Zelenskyy would’ve said yes, and a lot of trouble could have been avoided. That’s how the Chinese acquired much of Africa. They come with yuan, not tanks.

▪️Maybe that’s what the world needs every year: a transfer window, where any country can bid to buy another. The people decide, and if it’s a yes, the deal is done.

▪️And on that cheerful note: does anyone want to buy Britain? Anyone? Because, whoever you are, you’ve got my vote.